1. |
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I was looking at pictures of you
when you were younger
Your hair was long
and your smile was so big
Your dress was short-
bright floral patterns
gave way to knobby knees
I didn't know who you were sitting next to,
but they seemed so happy and full of life-
images of people I never knew,
names you'd never mentioned,
or stories you'd never told me
It struck me then
how many different lives we all lead
and either all at once or slowly,
we change
One step pulls someone closer,
another pushes them away
A series of words misspoke,
a birth, a death, a move,
or the passing of time
When I was younger, I thought to carve my name in stone
and build pillars with my bare hands
You were right there beside me
I loved you, once
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2. |
What We Have is You
02:40
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Mostly, I've stopped trying to force myself to go to bed early
Sheets become fire,
heat washing over me
like my body is embarrassed
of the things I could never be
(productive, punctual, good at upkeep...)
A sound machine makes me
think that I'm hearing things
as white noise morphs into a nonsensical phrase
on endless repeat
and no amount of will power
can bend the words to other beings
I refuse to look at the clock
so time stands still
as though nothing and everything is happening all at once
Then, my brain tells me it is time to get stuck on something else-
like how, when I was 19, I felt depression swallow me so whole
that it took parts of three years away from me
and almost caused me to fail out of college
Maybe how I thought I was doing the right things,
but never actually listening
Or how no matter how old my body gets, my mind is still the same
and one day, if I'm lucky, I'll feel like a young man trapped in an old man's body
So I stay up and distract myself instead, and wait for sleep to come to me
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3. |
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Mostly, I've stopped trying to force myself to go to bed early
Sheets become fire,
heat washing over me
like my body is embarrassed
of the things I could never be
(productive, punctual, good at upkeep...)
A sound machine makes me
think that I'm hearing things
as white noise morphs into a nonsensical phrase
on endless repeat
and no amount of will power
can bend the words to other beings
I refuse to look at the clock
so time stands still
as though nothing and everything is happening all at once
Then, my brain tells me it is time to get stuck on something else-
like how, when I was 19, I felt depression swallow me so whole
that it took parts of three years away from me
and almost caused me to fail out of college
Maybe how I thought I was doing the right things,
but never actually listening
Or how no matter how old my body gets, my mind is still the same
and one day, if I'm lucky, I'll feel like a young man trapped in an old man's body
So I stay up and distract myself instead, and wait for sleep to come to me
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4. |
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I feel the snow snap underneath my weight,
a series of footsteps in an otherwise unbroken canvas of white
as light from buildings pours out
over plump flakes of snow,
throwing colors into the night sky like fireworks
I stop to catch my breath
The air is still and I can hear every single move I make,
as though I am the Grand Marshal of a holiday parade
crashing down busy streets, heralding a jungle of noise so dense
that you can't even think
Now stationary, I hear nothing
Unmoving, thoughts move in
like, "Did I just waste another year
without getting anything done?"
or "How long until I feel a sense of purpose again?"
Suddenly, I am afraid to turn around,
as though my failures have taken shape
Snow continues to fall
A car passes by and the spell is broken
I turn around and see nothing
It's getting colder so I start moving again
Christmas lights warm a window I pass by,
and it makes me feel homesick
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5. |
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You don't pull your punches like you think you do
your life's a mess, dear
I think you shouldn't be throwing stones
from your house up on the hill
you are looking to die on
as artificial light pours through
giant bay windows
like a lighthouse at night
warning ships at sea
to keep passing by
I don't need you to fix me
Lay your hands down
and let yourself feel again
Your problems won't disappear
just because you are focusing on mine
So let go
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6. |
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Daylight spilled through the living room window
after your father cut back the bushes in our front yard,
their six-year growth
now done hiding us from passers-by
We both remarked how much more natural light came in
and how it made the room feel bigger and brighter
I asked why we had let it grow so out of control
and you said it was just something that happened
little by little and before we knew it,
we had forgotten how it used to be
I think that's true of most things
When I stopped writing,
it was only supposed to be for a short break,
but little by little, days began to grow into weeks,
then months, then years
As if awakened from a great slumber,
I had found myself covered in overgrowth
I was ensnared in a job that I hated
that had sapped my desire to do anything else but get by
Still foggy, I tested my hands for strength
and began to slowly cut back each branch away from me,
their heavy growth
now done hiding me from passers-by
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7. |
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Early spring, Michigan
Walking down streets without sidewalks
snow caked gray from dirt and car exhaust
Winter hanging on like a once-proud prize fighter
putting his body through hell out of pride
or fear of losing either the only thing he ever loved
or the only thing he was ever good at
My breath still visible,
clinging to me like wet clothes
My lungs ache from
eagerly swallowing frigid air
as though it was my last breath on Earth
I tell myself that the sting from breathing
is a rite of passage-
a sort of ritual that celebrates the changing of seasons or rebirth
I have nowhere to go
My feet trudge on,
heavy from the potential that the new year brings
is already dying on the vine
The sun is bright
It is reflecting off the snow and I am blinded
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8. |
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9. |
Rare Frog Coin
03:09
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I used to live here
Pale yellow walls once marked the names and ages
with lines drawn in pen to chart our growth
like the room was a living document,
before it was painted over and made new again
A house is more than four walls
There’s a history in its bones
that reach deep, deep down
like roots or a crypt
In our bedroom, my brother and I once fought
with tube socks as boxing gloves
before he knocked my loose tooth out
In her room, my younger sister and I held "surf competitions"-
feet planted on pillows as we jumped on her bed
Here, my older sister painted "Wishing Wizards" to sell door to door
(necklaces made with clay heads of gray-haired men, their hats entwined on string)
The local newspaper covered it
Outside, playing catch with our dad as wind rustled through leafy trees
Our mother baking Easter cookies to decorate-
yellow frosting for chicks, brown for bunnies
Now sold,
as my parents' move closer by
I like to think that the markings are still there,
hidden under layers of paint
like a secret history
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10. |
Lilliput Steps
04:00
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I'm guessing you are still exactly the same
as you were when we were growing up
In truth, I wouldn't know for sure-
it's been years since we've talked
But even before that,
the only thing we had in common anymore
was a shared past of when we were better friends
(like an old house still standing
in a sea of new suburban builds)
What was the death knell?
Was it the years you didn't listen
and you only talked about yourself?
Or was it how little
that you knew about me
because you thought you had me all figured out?
It was not my fault you put me up on a pedestal,
no longer allowed to be seen as myself
as you slowly built an image of something else
you wanted to be
I was not the only person
you made for a statue or a monument
When your image of me finally crumbled,
you burned down the house like an effigy
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11. |
We Are Not in This Alone
03:34
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"We can skip the wedding," he tells you
"We can just go to the reception.
It'll be fun, we don't have to stay that long"
Things are just getting serious,
so you say yes and you go
And now you’re sitting in a pew
of a church that must bring in more money than a small country
as you watch the man you like watch the woman you now realize he loves
walk down the aisle
You panic, you feel trapped.
The decorum of a room full of strangers
demands you stay put
like a tree with heavy roots watching life grow around it,
helpless to do anything but observe
Out of body, as quiet as you can be,
you get up without saying a word
and press yourself so small
that you slip through the room and out of the hall
"Love is too precious to waste it on settling",
you mutter to yourself
You catch your breath, collect yourself
without looking back
and you go
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12. |
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We said our goodbyes
like it was the last thing
we would ever do on this earth,
as morning came swimming in
(the sun meandering through a calm sea of blue)
Too often when things end,
we have no idea that it will be for the last time-
the last thing you say to a loved one before they die,
the last time we meet as friends,
the last time you ever set foot here again
They haunt you
But this time I knew
We put all our things into a little room,
they gathered dust until I was ready again
My words still ghosts without bodies
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13. |
Mighty Guard
02:51
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You wanted everyone to leave you for dead
so you could start all over-
reinvent yourself, cut all the bad parts out
so you locked the door whenever we came around
and pretended that you weren't home
We did not make it easy for you,
we called and wrote
and talked to your brothers,
we scoured for clues of what went wrong
We stopped by your mother's house
and wrote letters to your dad asking after you
We should have probably given you space
to feel things out and to ask for help
if you wanted it
But I was a sledgehammer to your sanctuary
I wanted to tear it all down, brick by brick
to pull you from the wreckage
I came to your mother's house and found you at last,
alone and unwilling to talk,
and tried to force my help on you
We talked and you feigned friendship to get me to leave
while I thought I made a breakthrough
We haven't spoken since then
but I hope that you are well
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14. |
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I put my hands inside my pockets
I am nervous and uncomfortable
I look down at the ground,
I look everywhere else but at you
and wonder why you do the things you do
to feel loved
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Mt. Oriander Williamston, Michigan
Mt. Oriander is Keith Latinen! He used to play in Empire! Empire! (I Was a Lonely Estate) and he plays in Parting now.
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